Its finally Nisfu Syaaban, the middle of the month before Ramadhan, in Islamic calendar.. how time flies soooo fast, n how much things i've gone thru from beginning of the year till now. i have yet to shake off the angst n negativity surrounding me.. but things are getting fine by the day.. friends have been a great help.. thanks to u all.
still in school, i have the entire afternoon at my disposal. not sure if i should go home n break fast.. or stay in sch to join my friends... knowing i dont like staying home, i'd choose the latter.. so by the time i reach home, its just nice for me to solat n catch my plane to dreamland.. ya ive been feeling so very tired.. for the first time i dozed off in my fav maths class. i felt sooo guilty n bad coz i really like the way the tutor teaches.. alas i finally succumbed to the zzz monster!! but no worries.. planning to work hard after dis to get some of my maths lesson plan done!
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to those curious readers noticing dat ive not updated my blog... im sorry to have no entries coz ive been quite bz wif school work.. assignments n group discussions been occupying me free time.. n i was too tired, i dozed off on my bed b4 i had my dinner or even prayed! just woken up half hour ago to pray, n i've missed the spectacular man u show where Rooney scored a HAT TRICK in his debut!!
sigh sigh sigh.. wanna go jogging after subuh... freshen my body n soul!
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the attachment has finally ended... and it'll be back to NIE life from today onwards. all in all, it has been a fruitful stint. i got to make new friends wif fellow NIE trainees working with me. i re-established ties with my fellow colleagues in school. most importantly, i had finally made up my mind to come over after my training. the bonds and ties i've made with the fellow teachers me have met one of my most important criterias in choosing the schools i want to start my career with. the students may be a crazy lot, the distance may be a factor, but nothing beats having a group of colleagues giving u the utmost support in carrying out your duties. wat more having "clowns" who click well wif me, after all im a clown too!
however, the emotional rollercoaster resumed. i didnt intend to have such things to happen, but somehow it was inevitable. it was my fault too to initiate such feelings dat i could not get anything in return. i guess i've made someone confused, but at least she knows wat she wants out of the whole mess in the end. as for me, the emotional turmoil brought back all the past feelings dat i've been trying to supress.. eventually i have to kill all thoughts of possibilities.. coz as long as i have such thoughts, i will never be able to move on. but i really ask myself, y am i still holding to it? was it because she's such a cute, lovable and suitable person, someone whom i'd consider a soulmate, dat i believe would one day be the right partner for me? i've been laughing my heads off, feeling soo very happy and will always be smiling whenever i have interaction wif her. wats so special in her dat overwhelms me soo much its driving me crazy?
watever it is, one thing for sure, is that she's someone else. im a third party in this relationship. i started it in the first place, so i must find a way to end it. it was also my fault dat my presence was known, while she was still wif him, the one reason dat woke him up n made him realise his ignorance to her would lead to him losing her to someone else.. well, dat finally led them together. on one hand, im happy dat they're now together and ever closer than before, n dat she's so very happy now. y would i want to destroy someone's happiness in the first place, right? my happiness? i dunno... but most importantly, i have to stop having feelings for her. whether i use the easy way or the hard way, dats something i have to be responsible for.
at the same time, i know i shouldnt let available opportunities pass. i mean, there are a lot of other potentials out there for me to meet, n windows of opportunities dont open dat long. somehow im afraid of venturing out coz it'd be sooo unfair for any new someone especially. i dont want to go out wif someone while i'll still be thinking of dat other someone.. n i dont want to make comparisons btw a new someone n dat someone.. its just soo unjustified of me.. sometimes the concept of hope is such a double edged sword, for me hope is poison right now, though it may be a cure in other instances. haizzz..
so readers out there, help me out, suggestions... should i keep my life to myself till i feel happy being alone finally, or should i try to start loving someone else... when someone else may be soo close to me dat i didnt notice it?
BIG HELP NEEDED HERE!!
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finally finished preparing my powerpoint slides for tomorrow's teaching. still dont feel like going home. tomorrow'll be my last day attachment n im wondering wat to do tomorrow to make the best out of it. looking very sure i'll be requesting for a posting here.
went for dinner by myself at east coast mcdonalds last evening, got to read some notes n newspapers. then walked along the beach wif my usual headphones blaring linkin to my ears. the night wasnt windy, probably becoz it just stopped raining. really felt down n lonely for some reasons i dunno. i hate to feel dis way... but i think its natural, n i know i'll get thru somehow. at dis moment, i choose to feel numb, want to feel nothing for a while. seems like i havent sorted my feelings yet. haiz...
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i woke up in a dream today to the cold of the static
n put my cold feet on the floor
forgot all about yesterday remembering
im pretending to be wat im not anymore
a little taste of hypocrisy n im left in the wake of the mistake
slow to react
even though ure so close to me ure still so distant
n i cant bring u back
its true the way i feel was promised by ur face
the sound of ur voice painted on my memories
even if ure not wif me im wif u
u now i see keeping everything inside
u now i see even when i close my eyes
i hit u n u hit me back n we fell to the floor
the rest of the day stand still
fine line btw dis n dat but when things go wrong
i pretend the past isnt real
im trapped in dis memory n im left in the wake of the mistake
slow to react
even though ure so close to me ure still so distant
n i cant bring u back
its true the way i feel was promised by ur face
the sound of ur voice painted on my memories
even if ure not wif me im wif u
no matter how far weve come i cant wait to see tomorrow
no matter how far we've come i.. i cant wait to see tomorrow
wif u...
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Alhamdulillah dat i got to be posted to my ex-relief teaching school coz i fitted into the system seamlessly today. i became more of an ambassador than a teacher trainee. really felt good being back wif the best of ppl around me, especially my ex-colleagues.. though Jali's presence was sorely missing.. the usual noise just wasn't there! ahaks!
now im giving more thoughts of whether i should request to be posted there. the odds are overwhelming.. will ask direction from Allah from tonight insyaAllah.
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But as usual the boring me would be in school on such an early saturday morning just to avoid seeing my mom at home. will be here to "meditate" ahaks! no lah, want to read some stuffs for assignment to be submitted on first day after school experience, dat'll be abt 10 days from now.
speaking of school experience, i'll be in a secondary school for about 5 days, supposedly to learn n observe the teachers conduct their lessons. i'm supposed to look for classes which use IT tools as part of their lesson. coz me n my fellow colleagues at NIE need to present something when we come back from the experience. looking forward to the experience thingy, at least i get to break away from the daily NIE routine, though i think being at NIE is one of the best things in life since u get to be a typical student wif lotsa free periods, n yet get PAID for it! ahaks!
fell in love wif portable MP3 player. currently using my cousin's Muvo2 1.5GB. sooo small yet so many songs can be stored!! n it costs a bomb! fortunately for her, comes wif her MaxOnline subscription for free. considering iPod.. any suggestions? anyone wanting to sell theirs?
so many things to buy... but so little money! ahaks! or put it this way, belum rezeki lagi..
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after considering to sleep or not to sleep last night, n succumbing to slumber without waking up in the early morning, i finally managed to spend an intense 2.5 hrs in front of the school computer working hard to complete my 20 odd pages of lesson planning! alhamdulillah, phew.. now can rest a while before embarking on another report due thurs, n presentation preparations due this fri! when is this gonna end? ahaks!!
on the brighter note, i just luuurrveee the look of my car. encountered several glances n stares by drivers n members of the public alike! but the shine u see in the pics was only a brief moment. Allah has brought rahmat to the world by letting rain fall, n my car is no longer as shiny! ahaks! but no hal one.. ujian je, harus sabar byk2!
somehow, the bodykit has made handling much better.. izzit true or its just me? hehehe. will drop by McWell these few days wif my friend to check out on lightened pulley for the engine. dat'll be my next mini-project.. coz the sale will end end dis month..
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dats the first thing dat came to my mind when i saw my dearest city all kitted up... Yup! she's bodykitted with the Mugen Replica dat i repeatedly mentioned hehehe it was really an awesome sight! Alhamdulillah one of my dreams has finally come true... next project will be on the way hehe ;)
assignments still haunting me.. gotta resume work now..
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Called McWell.. bodykit still in preparation process.. will have to wait for call either tomorrow, the next day or so ah.. so i'm held in suspense!
malasnye nak buat assignment!!
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